As babies, we are all naturally dependent. We need someone to meet all our physical and emotional needs. It is the natural beginning. The next step (18 years) is that our parents or caregivers raise us into healthy young people that are not only able, but eager to be independent. There are many ways this occurs. They encourage us to try out new experiences separate from them. They encourage us to individuate, meaning discover who we are – not what or who they would like us to be. We take risk and learn lessons while in the safety of home. A normal healthy young person (by 18 years old) is seeking and exciting to leave the nest – make their own way in the world. They know who they are, separate from mom and dad. They are an individual with their own likes and dislikes. This is an exciting step as they know they have support from mom and dad. This is different than enabling. They know that they still can turn to mom and dad for guidance (maybe even a few groceries here and there), but the goal is a separate individual life. Once an individual has the experience of independence, they now are ready to become interdependent – meaning choose a relationship in which two independent individuals decide to build a life together. Independence provides the self esteem necessary to enter into a healthy interdependent relationship. This process is often incomplete leaving frustrating all around.
As emotionally difficult as it is, if our children are anxious to get out of our home and off to their own life we have done a great job of parenting. This should be a time of joy, excitement and even a feeling of freedom for Parent; bittersweet. However, if at 18 years old your child is not eager to leave your home, you can know that your child is not a healthy normal young adult.
They are possibly stuck in the dependent role and possibly you need them to stay stuck. They may resist independence or they may find someone else to be dependent on such as: grandparent, other parent or partners they have chosen because they can remain in the dependent role. These relationships often become strained and unfulfilling for all involved.
There are situations where the parent and child cling to one another and stay in this unhealthy cycle because it fits the Parents need to be needed and the child’s (adult) need to be taken care of. Children with dependency issues usually are too afraid to leave the nest. They have learned from the parent that they are inadequate and must be taken care of.
What are the causes of someone getting stuck in dependency? For outsiders, it is easy to see that this robs every one of healthy fulfilling interdependent relationships.
Parents – Often a parent’s identity and reason for existence is their need to be needed. If the child becomes independent the parent is at a loss. Perhaps their own marriage/relationship is focused and held together by the common bond of the children. If the children are gone – nothing else exist for the parents or their relationship.
Family business – some families use “The family Business” or work to continue the dependency status. The child now is connected through work and both are provided with a viable excuse or reason for continuing the dependency cycle. Others means are home purchases, loans etc. Often parents will throw money at the child to get them out of their hair; thus, continuing the dependency cycle without the emotional toll.
Divorce – Divorce is often a set up for unhealthy adults to turn to a child and make that child their buddy, best friend or surrogate spouse. Rather than turn to a healthy adult friend or family member, a parent will turn to their child. This creates dependency from both child and parent.
This destructive pattern can ensue for years – robbing both parent and child of possible loving interdependent relationships. It also creates sibling rivalry and disharmony.
If this is the case, there is help and it is never too late to love your child or parent enough to fight for a healthy loving relationship based on respect and healthy love. The first step is creating independence. This is the key to self-esteem and the ability to enter healthy relationships.
PLEASE REMEMBER:
We all seek acceptance and fear rejection!
It is innate in us to seek partnership!
Be kind and gentle to yourself – this is rarely an outcome of malice and ill intent. They truly believe that what they are doing is loving; however, it is destructive for the child and parent.
“Truth is for the seekers, not everyone wants to be a seeker”